Why are we always so unhappy?
How have you been? How’s life? How’s work? What’s new?
What’s been going on?
Fine. Eh you know, life. Work is work. Same ole same
ole. Nothing really.
Have
you asked or been asked these questions recently? Have you heard or given these
answers? We are most likely all guilty of partaking in the above exchanges far
more often than we should. Does this scream happiness to you? Are those really
the answers we want to be giving? Happiness is a tough thing to measure. It
definitely seems like it’s much harder to obtain. But how do we work toward
obtaining happiness when most of us can rarely identify what it is we want in
life that will provide us with happiness? If you’ve figured it out, I envy you.
This post isn’t about me preaching how to find the road to happiness. Hell, I’m
just as lost as anyone trying to find my way down that road. But there are a
few things I’ve read and learned recently that I think are worth sharing. And
it’s been almost 4 years since my last blog entry, so here I am attempting to
get back on that horse (pun intended, if you read my last post).
Work.
When
asked why people are unhappy in life, work seems to be the prevailing answer.
It didn’t take much research to find stats to back it up. A poll of 230,000
workers in 142 different countries resulted in 13% of workers saying they feel
engaged, meaning they possess a sense of passion for their work and deep
connection to their employer. They spend their day driving innovation and
moving the company forward. 63% said they don’t feel engaged meaning they are
unhappy but not miserable. They have checked out of their career mentally and
are sleepwalking through their day-to-day tasks with little energy or effort.
And 24% of workers say they are actively disengaged from work translating to
them simply hating their jobs. They harm productivity by way of their own
actions and add to the loss of productivity by bringing down their peers. They
insult their employer and the system. They play the victim, blaming any and
everything surrounding them for their misery. So disregarding the 13% of happy
workers, this leaves 87% of workers who feel disengaged and emotionally disconnected
from the workplace.1
Although
depressing, those are not surprising numbers to me. I honestly expected to see
the happiness percentage at less than 10. So why are we all so unhappy with
work, and why do we let that unhappiness control our overall attitude and
happiness? I’m not going to get into why employees are unhappy with work,
because it’s a far more complicated discussion and would take this a direction
different from what I intend. It can be explained simply as people don’t like
being told what to do, or don’t enjoy being forced/obligated to do something
for a fixed period of time. Or it can be a deeper dissatisfaction based on not
being appreciated, or not finding an emotional connection with your work.
Whatever it may be, I certainly haven’t figured it out or even begun to scratch
the surface enough to talk about it in this forum. What I would like to touch
on is why we let the misery from work infect the other areas of life. The
average work week in America is now up to around 47 hours per week 2. Again, a discussion I’m not getting into will be if Americans work too much,
work more than any other country, are overworked, etc. Regardless of how 47
hours compares, that represents 28% of our week. Assuming that most adults
probably only get around six hours of sleep per night, or 42 hours per week, that
represents 25% of your time. This leaves 47% of your week free to do with it as
you please. So why are we letting 28% of our week destroy the remainder,
especially when we have full control of almost half of our time? It’s because
we let it. We indeed do have full control over our perspective of how work
affects our lives. You don’t like your work? So what, almost 90% of the world
joins you. You can’t find happiness in your life? That’s your problem to solve,
and don’t blame a job that occupies roughly a quarter of your time.
Vision.
My
attempt to give you some perspective is to explain vision, at least the way it’s been taught to me recently. On
November 3rd I had an amazing day of life-coaching from Danny Bader4 .
One of the first and most important exercises we did was developing and
documenting our vision. I’ve heard of
this, I’ve thought about it, I’ve given it a shot. Seemed like just a bunch of
crap that was almost impossible to come up with. Never gained any traction with
me. That was until Danny asked “when I come back this time next year and ask
you ‘how has your year been?’ what
will your answer be? And if I challenge you to tell me why, what will you say?
What examples will you give?” This made me start to think a bit differently. My
answer would probably be similar to those answers I used in the opening of this
blog: “It’s been good; you know - work is work, gotta pay the bills; life is
just moving along” But if anyone asked me to explain that answer, give some
examples of why my year was good,
could I? Was it really what I wanted for myself during that year? Do I even
know what I want in the next year? So the exercise was to begin writing a
letter to yourself dated one year from today. Imagine that you are one year
older and looking back at the past year and talking to yourself about why the
year was good. You would be amazed at
what begins to flow as your desires start to reveal themselves. It was an
amazing first step to establish a vision, but the next step and even more
important, is to identify individual goals within your vision. Then the third
and final step, and most important, is laying out measurable objectives to
complete these goals and setting a timeline. For example, my vision consisted
of six broad goals: (1) strengthen my marriage; (2) increase quality time with
family & friends; (3) improve my financial position; (4) advance my career;
(5) maintain my physical health; (6) improve my mental health. Taking it a step
further, specific objectives to achieve these goals were: (1) dedicate at least
one date night per month to my wife & establish rules of engagement for
when an argument starts; (2) contact family and friends at least once per week;
(3) accumulate a certain dollar amount by developing a per-paycheck saving
rate; (4) obtain an additional professional certification in order to earn a
promotion and raise; (5) exercise 4-5 times per week while staying under a
2,000 calorie per day diet; (6) have 10 minutes of “stillness” per day to empty
my mind and be at peace. I hope you can see the three tiered system and how
each small action throughout a day or week is ultimately tied to the overall
happiness that you seek for the next year or more. So if I don’t have one date
night per month or abide by our 5 minute rule to extinguish a potential fight,
then I am not taking the steps I planned for myself to live a happy life. If I
don’t immediately stash away the determined amount of money per paycheck then I
am defaulting myself and my future happiness. If I don’t exercise at least 4
times per week, I am not leading a lifestyle that I myself decided would bring
happiness. I hope this gives you some perspective into why you are doing or not
doing certain small actions each day and each week for a grander reason. Most
applicably, why you are working. Whether you like work or not (most do not) you
are working for a reason. That reason fits in your vision. Your vision is
defined by you and is your roadmap to happiness. So working is an ingredient to
your happiness. It’s not just something you’re forced to do for 8+ hours per
day. Perspective.
The
point of talking about work is because this blog is about happiness and work is
one of, if not the leading cause for unhappiness. The purpose for discussing
vision is to provide some perspective for how work fits into your vision which
should be your controlling purpose in life and is spawned from what you
determine will bring happiness. Again, I can’t help you find a job you will
love. I can’t help your desire, or lack thereof, to get out of bed for work
each morning. I can only try to help you gain perspective as to why we let work
(or other negative events) ruin the majority of our life that we can control.
What I ultimately hope for, is that you can come to terms with why you are
doing what you are doing and having a purpose for each action in life. We do
work for a reason, whether we like it or not. And the sooner you cope with why
you are working rather than dwell on the fact that you must work, the sooner
you will find happiness as the pieces of your vision come together. And again,
I use work as an example because it’s an easy one to use, but the same
principles can be applied to any other area of life. For some, the main cause
of unhappiness could be marriage, family, or health. Instead of complaining,
think about what needs to change to bring happiness, develop a plan to achieve
it, and hold yourself accountable to the plan of action you develop.
Expectation vs. Reality
And
finally – the formula for happiness. Okay, maybe not the way
you’re thinking. It’s not the formula for how to find happiness, but it
definitely applies to my point of your perspective on happiness. Reality minus Expectation equals Happiness.3
So when reality is greater than expectation the result of the formula is
happiness, however when expectations exceed reality, the result is
disappointment. This is a concept I read about recently (article cited below)
and the example that the author used is applicable to the point I’m trying to
get across. It basically explains the disconnect between our expectations of
life, specifically work, and the reality we experience. My grandparents’
generation grew up in much harder times than I. Some experienced the Great
Depression, so naturally expectations of life in general were low. Expectations
for work were very low. Just having a job and putting food on the table was
something to cherish. This mentality was instilled in my parents’ generation by
their parents, the survivors of the Great Depression. So entering the
workforce, my parents had low expectations for the fulfillment they would
receive from a job; it was simply a necessity to live. So throughout their
career of keeping their head down and working hard, the economy blossomed, they
received raises, promotions, and praise. They were able to accumulate savings,
disposable income to spend on luxuries, purchase homes, and comfortably raise a
family. Reality was far exceeding their expectations so the result of their
formula was happiness. Transition a few decades to the current generations.
Those luxuries, comfort, and praise that was earned by the prior generation is
now expected as if it’s an entitlement. Something that is owed to us because we
watched our parents receive such, with little knowledge of how hard they worked
to get there. Growing up it was all given to us, because our parents wanted to
see us live an easier life than their own. Then we ran into the brick wall
known as life – reality. We realize that things are not always handed to you.
Luxuries and praise and comforts are not a right in life that everyone is
given; they are earned with years of hard work. Our reality fell quite short of
our expectations and the results for many of us was disappointment. And I can’t
just criticize my fellow Generation Y peers for this. Many of those who are now
approaching retirement age have watched the gap shrink as their expectations
grew year after year until expectations now exceed their reality =
disappointment.
So if we know the formula
for happiness, how do we ensure that ours will result in happiness and not
disappointment? Almost an impossible question to answer, but if you know and
understand all the pieces, we can take significant steps toward that majestic
happiness. Expectations are much easier to control than reality. Have you
identified your desires in life within your vision? Your expectations should
mirror these desires. How realistic are your expectations? Did you set clearly
defined and easily measurable objectives that need to be accomplished to
achieve your goals? If so, then you’ve set your expectations and know what you
need to do for your reality to meet or exceed them. If they don’t, then you
either didn’t accomplish what you said you needed to, or you set your
expectations too high. Either work harder to make that reality inch closer to
your expectation, or get real with yourself and modify your expectation a
little closer to a reality that you can accomplish and live with.
So in conclusion, there
are a lot of things that we cannot control in life that negatively affect us.
But there are also plenty well within our control. Far too often we focus on
the former and not the latter. For the things you can control – you should
absolutely concern yourself with. The things you cannot – analyze your
perspective because that is something you do control. So speaking of what we
should or shouldn’t concern ourselves with, I’ll leave you with one last stat
to worry about. The Fog of Worry –
40% of our worries will never occur or affect us, 30% of our worries are in the
past and cannot be changed, 20% of our worries are the problems of someone
else, and the remaining 10% of our worries are truly legitimate problems we
should concern ourselves with (borrowed this from another day of life coaching with Jim Trunick5). Imagine how much happiness you can find by
eliminating 90% of your worry. It’s all within your control; just change your
perspective.
How have you been? How’s life? How’s work? What’s new? What’s been going on?
How have you been? How’s life? How’s work? What’s new? What’s been going on?
Hey Johnny - great article with wonderful insight. All the best for 2016 being one of your best years in a long, long time. Be well Danny
ReplyDelete